Beware the wind. She’s dangerous.

5 Jul

One of the hard things about looking (or sounding) intelligent is choosing the right thing to write about. I was once told by a journalism prof that choosing a topic is the most important and difficult aspect of column writing.

Tomorrow, I head to Saskatoon for two weeks. Part of the trip is a 7-day canoe voyage along the N. Churchill River. It’s possible that I will die and this may be the last thing of substance I’ll ever write.

[Probably not though, I don’t think the University of Saskatchewan is allowing courses where students die. Beside giving an honourary degree to a well-known Anti-Semite or White Supremacist, dead students are, like, the worst for PR.]

So, despite the fact that someone just sent me a video of a scab student “alliance” offering their scab version of the future (which is IDENTICAL TO WHAT THE GOVERNMENT HAD ALREADY ANNOUNCED), that I’d gleefully like to tear to shreds, second by second, I’m choosing another topic.

There’s been a lot of talk of the Enbridge Northern Pipeline, Tar Sands, tearing out swaths of the United States to fuel the West’s demands for oil by installing pipes, and so on. Once in awhile, you’ll read something about wind power. Almost never are these two items linked, though.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how wind power causes retinal bleeding, hallucinations, and so on. It makes sense that people would oppose wind power. Ever been out in a wind storm and been smoked in the face by a giant, flying pole? I rest my case.

This brainiac is one of the leaders of the anti-wind people in Ontario. Click on that link. Not one of the articles posted actually explains how wind energy is going to kill us all, but somehow, he had an audience during the Ontario election.

Well, idiocy is contagious and, it caught on well enough to, as the Toronto Star claims, cost the Liberals some rural seats (despite the fact that thousands of Ontarians probably voted against McGuinty for the reasons I did: because it was the only decent option).

Just because I believe that all thinking citizens have the duty to fight against those who don’t think, here’s a helpful list I’ve amassed. It’s about as scientific as this debate should get.

DANGERS OF WIND POWER
Blades flying off, slicing off your head or the heads of your livestock.
Wind is so strong that windmill accidentally tears open a vortex, sucking your eyes out of your head or the heads of your livestock.
Child loses kite in windmill blades.
Bets are lots about how windy a particular day will be, judged by the speed of the blades.
Your country turns into a social democracy where the left and the right balance themselves out in extremes and you accidentally produce Geert Wilders’ doppleganger (also known as the Dutch Disease).

DANGERS OF OIL POWER
Carbon dioxide from production and destruction of forests will continue to aid climate chaos, crop failures become more common.
Half of the entire province of Alberta will look worse than Sudbury in years’ past.
Explosions. Lots of explosions.
Mass and forced displacement of millions of people.
Once oil dries up, civil and global wars will erupt. Millions have died, millions more will die.
It makes the most feasible, economic sense to annex Canada to the US.

DANGERS OF OTHERWISE MUNDANE ACTS OF EXISTENCE
Choke on your supper.
Get hit by a car and die.
Sneeze while walking down the street, accidentally walk into a sink hole and die.
Spend your entire life searching for meaning, acceptance and love, and fail.
Someone might punch you in the face at the supermarket (especially if you’re an anti-wind advocate).
You’ve already been exposed to the agent that will cause long-term, chronic health complications leading to your death and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
You might accidentally flush a toilet on a plane and forget to stand up, landing you with a potentially debilitating ass hickey.

Now that I’ve put this into perspective, I want you to imagine how on earth we could have come to a place where people are arguing that WIND POWER (honest to god….WIND POWER) is too dangerous to develop.

It’s as if a bunch of oil tycoons, sitting around a massive gold-gilded table where brainstorming how stupid the average person is. After all the cocaine had been consumed, you can imagine one of them saying, “let’s just get a campaign going to convince people to fear wind.” [laughter] “If we did that, I’m sure the average person would put up with wars, death, plagues, environmental destruction as long as their back yard didn’t get a windmill in it” [laugher] “OK, make it happen.”

But it’s important to remember that if enough people believe something, it becomes true. Recall this decision of the Liberals in a bid to save their local seat. Yup, the residents of a location who are under constant threat of death if ever the Pickering nuclear plant melts down, “won” a victory to stop offshore wind turbines.

It won’t be appropriate to laugh when NO ONE DIES from wind power, so I’ll just leave it there.

(Can I get a Pulitzer for writing this sans the word fuck or its many derivatives?)

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